macaroni and cheese is comforting

I am having way more triggers back to Mom's sickness and death than I was expecting.

I don't want people to think that it is all about me when I bring up this loss - I think people are getting that. It is just so much stuff.

On Friday David called and asked if we could hang out with him on Saturday, so we did. I fielded some emails about the memorial book proposal for Charlotte and asked him directly in the car, responded back to the group.

I'm really glad we were able to help in some way even if only just being around with him. He actually ate while he was out with us - he hadn't been eating much of anything at all. It's just hard to know what to do. So I was pretty emotionally wiped after that but Saturday was still mostly about David and Charlotte.

Sunday I went to church and so many people approached me to thank me for pushing them to send memories (and also some comforting re: my mom too) - it realy started to trigger some of the stuff from my mom's death. David Z thinks it's because so many people did this at that time for me and there's really no where to put that feeling - "Yes, thank you for your concern," etc. You just want to get done with all of this grieving and get back to whatever the normal is.

After church we went to Fresh Choice and I had macaroni and cheese and I had this feeling sunk deep in the pit of my stomach, it was all numb, but I was still hungry and wanting the macaroni and cheese but just eating it mechanically as if I wasn't really there. I'm guessing that DS can relate to this feeling perhaps.

Then just now i got an email from the woman who's in charge of religious education at church - one of my students from my youth class just lost one of her mothers suddenly too (she lives in Japan).

Anyway. It's just a lot of stuff. I feel like there's no room for me to be feeling this now, I am "supposed" to be all done with this since it's 20 years later. I'm supposed to be a grown up and focusing on work and getting stuff done. Luckily I have my back to a window and am invisible back here behind my monitor at lunchtime.