I am having way more triggers back to Mom's sickness and death than I was expecting.
I don't want people to think that it is all about me when I bring up this loss - I think people are getting that. It is just so much stuff.
On Friday David called and asked if we could hang out with him on Saturday, so we did. I fielded some emails about the memorial book proposal for Charlotte and asked him directly in the car, responded back to the group.
I'm really glad we were able to help in some way even if only just being around with him. He actually ate while he was out with us - he hadn't been eating much of anything at all. It's just hard to know what to do. So I was pretty emotionally wiped after that but Saturday was still mostly about David and Charlotte.
Sunday I went to church and so many people approached me to thank me for pushing them to send memories (and also some comforting re: my mom too) - it realy started to trigger some of the stuff from my mom's death. David Z thinks it's because so many people did this at that time for me and there's really no where to put that feeling - "Yes, thank you for your concern," etc. You just want to get done with all of this grieving and get back to whatever the normal is.
After church we went to Fresh Choice and I had macaroni and cheese and I had this feeling sunk deep in the pit of my stomach, it was all numb, but I was still hungry and wanting the macaroni and cheese but just eating it mechanically as if I wasn't really there. I'm guessing that DS can relate to this feeling perhaps.
Then just now i got an email from the woman who's in charge of religious education at church - one of my students from my youth class just lost one of her mothers suddenly too (she lives in Japan).
Anyway. It's just a lot of stuff. I feel like there's no room for me to be feeling this now, I am "supposed" to be all done with this since it's 20 years later. I'm supposed to be a grown up and focusing on work and getting stuff done. Luckily I have my back to a window and am invisible back here behind my monitor at lunchtime.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Thursday, May 20, 2010
remembering another young mom and friend
Our friend Charlotte S from the UUFRC congregation, just died today, very suddenly.
She was 39 (confirmed after DS sent out her birthdate - she was turning 40 in June) and was also married to a David. Both Dave and I really like(d) both of them. They are in the kindred spirits group (Cthulu dolls for the kids, Maker Faire attendees, musicians who play clarinet, piano, drums plus both scientists). They have 2 kids, a 5-year-old girl and 1 year old boy.
Dave and I feel a bit useless today because we can't focus on anything else and had heard there was a lot of support right now so we didn't go over to their house today. We plan to try to go over with food tomorrow.
I am writing a letter, mostly to their daughter Mirabel (and son Segen, but I am identifying more with Mirabel right now in solidarity as the oldest daughter).
I know the cards and letters that we got when Mom was sick and when she died, were most valuable if the people actually wrote something of what their memories were of Mom. Most of the cards just say "So sorry for your loss... The So and Sos." Or, they just signed the card "The so and sos".
That's great that they sent it and probably made them feel better that they did something, but at this point looking back from the future, I know I would have really appreciated more heartfelt thoughts - what were their memories of my mom? How did she touch their lives? Why exactly are they so sorry for our loss?
So, that's why I'm trying to write this letter but I realize I'm writing a lot of stuff that this family probably doesn't care about and is really only for me. I'm writing a draft of it in my journal so I can weed this stuff out and make sure the letter is a good one with less mistakes and cross-outs (which again is following in the footsteps of my mom - the draft letters I've found in that one notebook tell the tale).
Part of me is still just really mad. Why does stuff like this happen to people like Charlotte, as well as my mom, and the cancer that Anna O, Mieko, and now Claudia are dealing with?
They are the "good eggs" - they've got people depending on them, they inspire others (Charlotte just this week helped push me into clarinet again, along with Claudia).
Also I have my old recurring fantasy that has popped up more often in recent years with other friends losing loved ones. That regardless of the fact that Mom obviously does not know all these people, she knows them through us, and she's there (in wherever "there" is) to greet them and say hi.
Scott's mom, Scott's dad, Miryam, Abby Karow, Elisabeth R's dad, Shannon's dad, just all these people. Julia's Spot.
3 things I think Charlotte and Mom would find in common (just fyi for the intros there, you two!):
1. motherhood (and actually I think this is one of the reasons why I was drawn subliminally to C when first meeting her, is that she reminds me of the vague memory of my mom and the kind of mom she was.)
For example, my sister wrote this post about how independent and resourceful our mom was, and I saw a lot of that in C too.
2. science (metallurgy and medicine! Also Charlotte did what looks like a cool research project in Greenland that I suspect my mom would be curious about. And I think my mom would like things like the Maker Faire if she were here).
3. music - Mom played violin and loved music enough to get me into piano and clarinet (and thusly to inspire the twins as well)
Charlotte played piano and also clarinet which she was just now resurrecting via her clarinet quartet. She probably also played other instruments too...
She was 39 (confirmed after DS sent out her birthdate - she was turning 40 in June) and was also married to a David. Both Dave and I really like(d) both of them. They are in the kindred spirits group (Cthulu dolls for the kids, Maker Faire attendees, musicians who play clarinet, piano, drums plus both scientists). They have 2 kids, a 5-year-old girl and 1 year old boy.
Dave and I feel a bit useless today because we can't focus on anything else and had heard there was a lot of support right now so we didn't go over to their house today. We plan to try to go over with food tomorrow.
I am writing a letter, mostly to their daughter Mirabel (and son Segen, but I am identifying more with Mirabel right now in solidarity as the oldest daughter).
I know the cards and letters that we got when Mom was sick and when she died, were most valuable if the people actually wrote something of what their memories were of Mom. Most of the cards just say "So sorry for your loss... The So and Sos." Or, they just signed the card "The so and sos".
That's great that they sent it and probably made them feel better that they did something, but at this point looking back from the future, I know I would have really appreciated more heartfelt thoughts - what were their memories of my mom? How did she touch their lives? Why exactly are they so sorry for our loss?
So, that's why I'm trying to write this letter but I realize I'm writing a lot of stuff that this family probably doesn't care about and is really only for me. I'm writing a draft of it in my journal so I can weed this stuff out and make sure the letter is a good one with less mistakes and cross-outs (which again is following in the footsteps of my mom - the draft letters I've found in that one notebook tell the tale).
Part of me is still just really mad. Why does stuff like this happen to people like Charlotte, as well as my mom, and the cancer that Anna O, Mieko, and now Claudia are dealing with?
They are the "good eggs" - they've got people depending on them, they inspire others (Charlotte just this week helped push me into clarinet again, along with Claudia).
Also I have my old recurring fantasy that has popped up more often in recent years with other friends losing loved ones. That regardless of the fact that Mom obviously does not know all these people, she knows them through us, and she's there (in wherever "there" is) to greet them and say hi.
Scott's mom, Scott's dad, Miryam, Abby Karow, Elisabeth R's dad, Shannon's dad, just all these people. Julia's Spot.
3 things I think Charlotte and Mom would find in common (just fyi for the intros there, you two!):
1. motherhood (and actually I think this is one of the reasons why I was drawn subliminally to C when first meeting her, is that she reminds me of the vague memory of my mom and the kind of mom she was.)
For example, my sister wrote this post about how independent and resourceful our mom was, and I saw a lot of that in C too.
2. science (metallurgy and medicine! Also Charlotte did what looks like a cool research project in Greenland that I suspect my mom would be curious about. And I think my mom would like things like the Maker Faire if she were here).
3. music - Mom played violin and loved music enough to get me into piano and clarinet (and thusly to inspire the twins as well)
Charlotte played piano and also clarinet which she was just now resurrecting via her clarinet quartet. She probably also played other instruments too...
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