Unexpectedly, even though it's 4 am in Wisconsin.
Maybe because part of me wonders if I would even feel the need to travel 1500 miles and spend 3 days at WisCon without the partial lure for a motherless person of almost 1000 people (many of them either mothers or old enough to be my mom) all here in the state where I was born, and many Midwestern that seem vaguely like her (and all so kick-ass, too).
I thought I was finally ready to go to sleep after talking to Dave on the phone but all of a sudden was overcome by a combo of tears and (self-pity?).
(ie - I keep looking for this mother-type figure that I'm not going to ever find. I find it overwhelming to feel more for a person than I think i'll get back, but I can't help it.)
Nisi (tiptree award winner) introducing her mom at the awards dinner. Of course if I ever was lucky enough to win such an award, dad would be there if he was still alive, and that would be fine.
It's just a general frustration/anger that I don't have a physical mom here anymore and no one is really going to be able to be that person.
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