Thoughts after UU

It is a gray day and I am at the Bart station waiting for a train to go back to SF, where I want to get some things done before Monday.

I feel kind of unexpectedly emotional though - partly from re-reading the Time-Traveler's Wife, which is so emotional at the end that it makes me feel like I might be wasting time not trying to have a baby right now? What if it does not happen?

And then we had the water ceremony at the uu which was also touching but not sure why. One member's mom just died suddenly and maybe that was part of the trigger.

Then I went to Tracey's Sunday school orientation which was really good to hear again how much this philosophy is what I think really makes sense.
But I felt a little bit judged by Tracey for whatever reason...probably because I am not sure I am together enough to be a good example for kids. Although she does want us to bring ourselves to the table. Does she know how much I still feel like I am in that age group?

Then I went outside to the car and Garrison Keillor was talking about how important confirmation is for Lutherans, and how The pastor in lake wobegon was thinking about how he probably will not see most of the kids again until they get married (maybe) and if they need to bury their parents. And he marvels at how little scripture they remember, after 2 years of Wed night classes.

Sitiing in the car listening to this reminded me of my confirmation classes, and that it was 1989 when I was confirmed, and that was really the last public event my mom participated in, she died in April 1990. And it was a big event. And Keillor is right, I did not go to church much after confirmation, except for now at the UU.
And then just now on Bart I realize that it was 20 years ago this month or next month when I was confirmed.
And 2010 will also be the 20th anniversary of her death.

I guess I should put this on the remembering mom blog too.

--
Solveig Zarubin
solveigp@gmail.com
Wandering Willows!
http://www.playfirst.com/game/wandering-willows

really miss her right now

Unexpectedly, even though it's 4 am in Wisconsin.

Maybe because part of me wonders if I would even feel the need to travel 1500 miles and spend 3 days at WisCon without the partial lure for a motherless person of almost 1000 people (many of them either mothers or old enough to be my mom) all here in the state where I was born, and many Midwestern that seem vaguely like her (and all so kick-ass, too).

I thought I was finally ready to go to sleep after talking to Dave on the phone but all of a sudden was overcome by a combo of tears and (self-pity?).

(ie - I keep looking for this mother-type figure that I'm not going to ever find. I find it overwhelming to feel more for a person than I think i'll get back, but I can't help it.)

Nisi (tiptree award winner) introducing her mom at the awards dinner. Of course if I ever was lucky enough to win such an award, dad would be there if he was still alive, and that would be fine.

It's just a general frustration/anger that I don't have a physical mom here anymore and no one is really going to be able to be that person.

Star Trek

I think that Mom would have liked the recent JJ Abrams Star Trek movie. I was sad when the credits rolled and I realized that Gene Roddenberry never got to see it, either.

mother's day 2009

I have been re-reading The City Not Long After because of the flu connection, and also because of the motherless connection.

I was thinking that it seemed kind of weird when Jax is looking for her mother in the city and it seems like her memories of her mother are almost as far away as my own. Her mother had just died (weeks?) before, but the scenes seem much more like it was years before.

Then when I got to the part where she finds her mother's house, I realized that she's really looking for who her mom was before the Plague, when her mom lived in San Francisco with her dad and her brothers. Before she fled the city and gave birth to Jax.

That explains a little more why the story and her emotional connection to her mom seems to resonate so much with me. The mom she knew most recently doesn't feel like her real mom, the woman before the Plague.

(and of course it's interesting with swine flu happening now. I hope Pat doesn't think I actually think that the events from her book are going to happen now. She looked kind of worried when I mentioned I was re-reading it, kind of in conjunction with Mother's Day and kind of in conjunction with the swine flu recent events).

I wrote a blog post for Can I Sit With You and actually sent it in last night, about trying to write about what it was like between 12 and 16.

knitting

Knitting in the last few days has made me feel closer to her (and to Kati and Kari) since they are already knitting.

I am also working on some Can I Sit With You submissions that might get linked here.